Offering Condolences — Doing and Saying the Right Things

One of the reasons why people are so uncomfortable at a wake or funeral is because they’re not sure about what to do or say. Fear of making a mistake often caused people to avoid the situation altogether.

Here is some advice that can help you support a grieving friend or family member.

When hearing the news…

• Be a good listener. Let friends and family talk about their loved one and their death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them. Focus on the survivor’s needs.
• Refer to the deceased by name.
• Encourage the family to plan a wake, funeral and burial (even if cremated), if you are in an appropriate position to do so.
• Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to a charity or an appropriate research organization.
• Acknowledge the deceased’s life.
• Ask to help make arrangements.

During the services…

• Include children of all ages in the activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.
• For many people, wearing black has been a symbol of grieving and sympathy. Although people are less sensitive about dress today, one still shows respect for the family to attend a funeral dressed in subdued colors and clothing that is less casual.
• Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.
• Recognize children, like adults, may respond to grief with humor, behavioral issues and sleep problems. Be patient and tolerant.

After the services...

• Keep in touch with the bereaved. Be there for them when they are ready.
• Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.
• Offer to clean, cook or do other chores.
• If appropriate, find out about support groups for bereaved parents and have the leader call the grieving parent to talk.
• Send cards frequently — even six months after the death.
• Praise the bereaved for even small accomplishments.

Don’ts…

• Don’t take control of the situation. The grieving family need control to help them work through grief.
• Don’t bring up other people’s experiences. Let the bereaved focus on their loss.
• Don’t pressure the family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.
• Don’t expect things to be "back to normal" in a certain timeframe

What to say...

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

"I/We are thinking of you. I/we wish there were words to comfort you"

"I/We are shocked and saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply."

He/She was such a fine person."

"What you’re going through must be very difficult."

"It’s too bad he/she died. I will always remember him/her."

Don’t say…

"It’s probably a blessing."

"I know just how you feel."

"You have to be strong now for your family (or business)."

"Stay busy to take your mind off things."

"God won’t give you more than you can handle."

"At least he/she is no longer suffering."

See related topics:

What to Say / What to Do
Sending Funeral Flowers
Memorial Donations
Sending Thank You Notes

Go to Learn About Funerals — Index of Topics.