WHERE ARE FUNERALS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

Funerals and Covid

Funerals in the time of COVID Part 2

There’s an old saying about taking things for granted that goes something like, “you don’t miss something until it’s gone.” If nothing else, COVID-19 has put an exclamation point on that. Since the beginning of the pandemic, we’ve discovered a lot of things we’ve taken for granted. You can probably reel off several: sit down meals at restaurants, going to a movie or sporting event, and simply hanging out with a group of friends. There’s another one, though, that you might not have thought of—funerals. 

Pre-Coronavirus, most of us didn’t give much thought to funerals unless a family member died. When someone passed, we’d get the details about the service and we’d show up to say goodbye and offer our condolences. We would provide support, and grieve with others who were touched by the life of the person being honored.

These days, if we’re lucky, we can have a group of 10 people gather to commemorate the person who died. Forget having a large traditional funeral. That means no family members sweeping in from out of town, no pot luck gatherings where we tell stories and commune with others who, like us, are grieving and, worst of all, no hugs.

Funerals and Grief

Funerals are an essential part of our journey through grief. According to noted grief expert Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, “Healthy grief means expressing our painful thoughts and feelings, and healthy funeral ceremonies allow us to do just that. People tend to cry, even sob and wail, at funerals because funerals force us to concentrate on the fact of the death and our feelings, often excruciatingly painful, about that death. . . .To their credit, funerals also provide us with an accepted venue for our painful feelings. They are perhaps the only time and place, in fact, during which we as a society condone such openly outward expression of our sadness.” (Griefwords)

This can be especially hard on families whose religious customs include caring for the body of the deceased. Funeral directors do the best they can to accommodate the family’s needs, but there’s not much they can do. For now, we have to work around the difficulties the pandemic has brought for those experiencing the loss of a loved one.

You Can Still Say Goodbye

Even though regulations due to the pandemic make it difficult to conduct the funeral and burial traditions in which we find so much comfort, we are adapting. As we discussed in our recent article, “Goodbye for Now. We’ll Celebrate Later,” it is still possible to memorialize a loved one now and save the big send-off for later.

For some, technology saves the day. With Zoom, Facebook, and other group messaging tools, you can have a virtual funeral. With the help of a funeral home, a traditional service can be streamed so that loved ones can tune in from anywhere. While an in-person repast isn’t possible, you can raise your glass and toast a life well lived while everyone logs in to a video call from home. It may not be a perfect solution, but it does give you a way to say goodbye without being totally alone.

Use of Cremation Continues to Grow

Industry watchers began to notice an increase in the use of cremation in the early 2000s. There are a lot of reasons for that growth. Among these are the increased mobility of society and cost advantages over burial. With or without the pandemic, the trend in the use of cremation would likely have continued at a steady pace. COVID has accelerated that increase.

In a recent press release, the National Funeral Directors Association reported that “In 2020, the projected burial rate is 37.5% (down 7.7% from 2015) and projected cremation rate is 56.0% (up 8.1% from 2015). This preference is predicted to only strengthen, with projections for 2025 indicating that the burial rate will be 30.6% (down 14.6% from 2015) and the cremation rate 63.3% (up 15.4% from 2015).”

It’s easy to understand why cremation is an attractive choice right now. Travel is out of the question for most people and for those who want to hold a celebration of life after the pandemic, the ashes can be kept on hand. And then there’s cost. A bare-bones cremation can be a fraction of the cost of burial.

What’s Next?

The culture and attitudes surrounding the way we memorialize the dead are long-standing and have developed over generations. The stark way we have had to change our practices due to the pandemic will no doubt make an indelible mark. In the long run, we’ll all welcome back the in-person funeral since it offers us such a critical link in the process of navigating grief, but many of the adjustments we think of as temporary will likely become part of the way we pay tribute to those who are no longer with us.

In the short term, we will continue to do what we can to offer our loved ones the send-off they deserve under difficult circumstances and to find ways to say goodbye. We’ll lean on technology, opt for cremation, and delay our big celebrations. In short, we’ll just keep doing the best we can.

Stay safe.

>>Read: Funerals in the Time of COVID Part One: GOODBYE FOR NOW. WE’LL CELEBRATE LATER.

One thought on “WHERE ARE FUNERALS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?”

  1. alison knox

    While all you say in this article may be true, as a Celebrant I have found some real pearls and gems in this experience which I am sure I will be carrying forward when times change again. I have found a deeper and more connected presence with those few who have been able to attend a service. A real reverence. My feeling is that they were truly “there” and recognised their responsibility as “the chosen ones” to bear witness. I have found that a telephone conversation rather than a “home visit” may actually suit some people better, and I will offer that as a choice in future. Not everyone welcomes the idea of a stranger in their home especially at a time of grief. Little things like asking for a loved ones favourite colour, and wearing a scarf on the day to honor that. Offering an option of “listen only” to a favourite hymn, rather than to have to sing, some families want to honor the hymn part, but don’t really want to sing it. We can choose a version by a well known “voice” and enjoy it that way. Yes, there is a lot we may feel we have lost, the hugs, the handshakes, the physical proximity of others who are grieving, but we can still “do them proud” on the day, and trust that when it is possible, that the family will indeed celebrate later, and perhaps the Celebrant will be the first one they call to help them to do that. I am sure we will all learn a lot more before we are done with this, but in the meantime, we show up, keep showing up, and bring our very best . . . always.

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