Donation Etiquette When Someone Passes: What to Give and How

Key Takeaways

If an obituary says “in lieu of flowers,” a donation is the primary, respectful response — flowers can still follow, but the donation comes first.
A common guideline is to give roughly what you would have spent on a flower arrangement. $50–$100 is typical, though any amount is appropriate.
Use the notation line on the check or donation form to write “In memory of [Name].” That way, the gift is properly attributed.
Let the family know you gave — a line in a sympathy card is enough, and you don’t need to mention the amount.
If no charity was named, it’s fine to give to a cause of your own choosing, as long as you note it’s a memorial gift.

When a Donation Is Requested

When an obituary or program says “in lieu of flowers,” the family invites guests to contribute what they might have spent on flowers to a cause instead. Honoring that request is not required, but it is a respectful default. A modest flower arrangement is still acceptable, especially from close family or friends. If you’re choosing between the two, the donation should come first.

It’s a preference, not a strict rule. No one will fault you for also sending flowers once you’ve made the requested donation.

How Much to Give

There’s no required amount. A common guideline is to give roughly what you would have spent on a flower arrangement. Commonly in the $50 to $100 range — but any gift is appropriate and appreciated. What matters more than the amount is that the gift is thoughtful and attributed correctly.

How to Make the Gift

Give to the specific organization named in the obituary, if one is provided — this ensures your gift goes where the family intended.
Use the notation or memo line on the check or online donation form to write “In memory of [Name]” so the charity attributes it correctly.
If the notice lists a specific fund within a larger organization (a scholarship, a memorial fund, a particular program), name it specifically so the gift is routed to the right place.
Keep a copy of your donation receipt if you plan to claim it as a tax deduction later.

Letting the Family Know

Most charities don’t automatically notify the family when a memorial gift comes in, so it’s worth mentioning it yourself. A brief note in a sympathy card or condolence message is enough — for example, “We made a donation in [Name]’s memory to [Charity].” You don’t need to include the dollar amount; the gesture is what matters.

If you’re unsure whether the family already knows, it’s still appropriate to mention it in a card rather than assume the charity has passed the information along.

If No Charity Was Named

Sometimes an obituary says “donations to a charity of your choice” or doesn’t mention giving at all. In that case, it’s fine to choose a cause that feels meaningful — something connected to how the person lived, a cause you know mattered to them, or simply an organization you support. Just note that it’s a memorial gift when you make it, so the recipient knows what prompted it.

A Quick Note on Taxes

Donations to a qualified 501(c)(3) charity are generally tax-deductible if you itemize your deductions. Gifts given directly to a family, rather than to a registered nonprofit, are typically treated as personal gifts and aren’t tax-deductible. Keep your receipt for any gift of $250 or more, since the IRS requires one before you can claim a deduction.

Frequently Asked Questions

How much should I donate in memory of someone?

There’s no required amount. A common guideline is to give what you would have spent on a flower arrangement, often in the $50–$100 range, but any gift is appropriate and appreciated.

Can I still send flowers if the obituary says “in lieu of flowers”?

Yes, though the donation should come first. Most etiquette guidance treats a modest arrangement alongside a requested donation as acceptable, especially from close family or friends.

How do I let the family know I donated?

A brief mention in a sympathy card or condolence message is enough. You don’t need to include the amount — just that you made a gift in the person’s memory, and to which organization.

What if the obituary doesn’t name a specific charity?

You’re free to choose a cause that feels meaningful — something connected to how the person lived, or a cause you know mattered to them. Note that it’s a memorial gift when you make it.

Is a memorial donation tax-deductible?

If it goes to a qualified charity and you itemize your deductions, generally yes. Gifts made directly to a family aren’t tax-deductible, since they’re treated as personal gifts rather than charitable donations.

If You’re Planning a Service Instead

If you’re the one arranging a service and deciding how to word a donation request, choose a charity, or set up a giving page, see our companion guide, How to Ask for Donations In Lieu of Flowers.

Putting Your Own Wishes in Writing

If this has you thinking about your own wishes, the Funeralwise After Me Planner gives you a place to note a cause or organization you’d want honored, so your family isn’t left guessing later. The Quick Plan is free and takes just a few minutes.

Sources

Emily Post Institute — Funeral Etiquette: Donations in Lieu of Flowers · Internal Revenue Service — Charitable Contribution Deductions (Publication 526) · IRS — Charitable Contribution Substantiation and Disclosure Requirements (Publication 1771)

Contributors:

Rick Paskin, Managing Director and former funeral home and cemetery executive.

Molly Gorny, Director of Digital Marketing and author of 100+ funeral industry articles and blog posts.

Last Reviewed and Updated by Molly Gorny: 08/19/2026