Etiquette for the Surviving Family: Planning the Funeral

A funeral is a formal service of remembrance with the body present, in either a closed or open casket. A memorial service is similar to a funeral, but the body is not present. Your funeral director or clergy can help you with many aspects of funeral etiquette planning. This is especially true as it relates to the actual service.

See also Celebrations of Life

If your loved one has preplanned, then many of the decisions relating to the funeral will already be made. If they haven’t made arrangements in advance, you will need to make a number of decisions.

Etiquette for Planning a Funeral: Decisions about the Service.

Where to hold the funeral: Traditional choices include a funeral chapel or a place of worship. Funerals are also held in places that have special meaning for the deceased. It is legal to hold a funeral on private property anywhere in the U.S. In terms of location, consider how suitable it is for the type of service you’re planning.

What kind of service: Your clergy or funeral director can help you understand your options for the service. This includes items like:

• Who will perform the service.
• Who will give the eulogy.
• Whether to include music, photo display, or a video or digital tribute.
• If the service will be public or private.
• Whether to have an open microphone for people to offer impromptu tributes.
• Measures to take if the deceased was a military veteran.

Open or closed casket: Deciding whether to have an open or closed casket can be a big decision for many families. Do not feel pressured. Do what you think is best or what the deceased specified. If having the casket present is not an option for you for any reason, consider a memorial service or celebration of life instead.

Whom to choose as pallbearers: Traditionally, close friends or business associates are invited to be pallbearers. While not common, family members may also be selected. See pallbearers.

Whether to have a public or private interment: If the deceased is to be buried, generally there will be a funeral procession from the funeral location to the grave site. A brief, simple service follows this before the casket is lowered. Similarly, if the deceased has been cremated, the remains can be inurned during a brief ceremony at the cemetery. Alternately, the ashes can be scattered at a desired time and place.

See also Celebrations of Life

Funeral Director

Funeral directors are professionals who are trained to help families make decisions regarding the burial or cremation of a loved one. If you are expecting a death in the family, you can contact a local funeral home and ask the funeral director any questions about etiquette for planning a funeral. When death occurs, no matter what hour of the day or night, you can call the funeral director. They will be prepared to help you with transportation and take care of all the other necessary arrangements.

Burial Garments

You will need to decide on the final clothing for the deceased and provide it to the funeral home. If this is not practical, ask the funeral home to see if they can provide clothing made for this purpose.

• If you would like the deceased to be buried in a work uniform, confirm with your loved one’s employer that they will not expect the uniform to be returned.
• You can also include items like jewelry, a favorite book, or, for a child, a special toy or blanket. Be sure to consider these items carefully before deciding to part with them permanently.

Receiving Condolence Calls

Expect many calls as soon as word of your loved one’s passing is made public. If calls from concerned and sympathetic friends are overwhelming, consider having a friend or family member screen them. Be sure they capture the first and last name and phone number of each caller. That way, you can return or acknowledge the call as needed. This is especially important for those who are offering tangible help or food gifts.; You may want to get in touch with them later.

Children Attending Funerals

If there are young children in your family, you will need to decide whether they should attend the services. Children younger than five will have little to no understanding of what is going on. As a result, they may become disruptive during this solemn occasion. Consider also that they could be upset by the grief expressed during the service. Children who are old enough to attend should be told what to expect so they can be prepared. This is especially important if there will be an open casket. Addressing questions in advance also helps avoid spontaneous and potentially embarrassing questions during the service.

Clergy

If you have a church affiliation or are a member of a congregation, notify your pastor, priest, or rabbi when death is expected or imminent, or immediately following the death. The role of a clergy member is to offer comfort, prayer, and advice throughout this difficult time. You can also request their assistance with planning the funeral or memorial service, officiating, or for tips on etiquette for planning a funeral. It is customary to thank the clergy for their assistance and to offer an honorarium if they are involved in the service. See Honorarium.

Committal

If your loved one will be buried, you may want to have a formal committal, which follows the graveside service.

• A prayer is offered, and the family and close friends witness the lowering of the casket into the ground.
• If desired, someone shovels the first dirt onto the casket.
• Flowers may also be tossed onto the casket.
• It is acceptable to leave before the casket is lowered. For some, this ritual is a painful sight for grieving family members.

Death Away from Home

If a death occurs in a city other than the one in which the person will be buried or cremated, arrangements must be made for the body to be transported. Your first step will be to contact a funeral director in the destination city. They can advise you on the protocol, etiquette for planning a funeral, and other practical considerations.

Donations (memorial gifts)

• It’s acceptable to request that donations be made to a favorite cause or charity in place of flowers.
• You can select an organization that was a favorite of your loved one or one that holds special meaning. For example, for someone who battled breast cancer, a suitable choice might be Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
• The “in lieu of flowers” notice can be included with the obituary. (Be prepared to receive flowers anyway, since there will be some who prefer to follow this custom rather than make a donation.)
• Well-meaning friends may also want to make a financial contribution directly to your family, especially if the deceased was the primary breadwinner or your situation seems tenuous, perhaps after a long illness. If so, be prepared to either receive monetary gifts or graciously decline them.
• All gifts should be acknowledged with a note of thanks.

Eulogy

If you are holding a funeral, memorial service, or wake, it is appropriate and expected that a eulogy will be delivered. This speech can take the form of a remembrance given by a clergy member, family member, friend, or colleague. A eulogy can also accompany a slide show or be told through a video.

If you leave the writing of the eulogy up to the person in charge of the service, expect that the obituary probably will be read word-for-word. Is that really what you want, or are there more personal details to share, perhaps a funny story, something interesting, or an inspirational story about the person’s life, family, or work?

Perhaps a family member wants to write the eulogy but has the clergy or funeral director deliver it; this can be a good and acceptable solution for honoring the deceased’s memory while protecting the bereaved from a public show of grief. Many family members would find it extremely difficult to keep their composure while delivering a eulogy, but would feel quite comfortable writing it for someone else to give.

See Writing Eulogies for additional information, such as how to choose a theme, how to organize a eulogy, and how to deliver a eulogy.

Guestbook (register book)

Provide a guestbook for people attending the visitation, wake, funeral, or memorial service. The guestbook can also be used when visitors come to visit you at home. The register isn’t just for the convenience of your visitors or for sending thank-you notes; it will also be a source of comfort when you read the guests’ names and comments later.

A selection of guest books or registers will usually be offered for purchase as part of the funeral home’s services. You can also find them online, in office supply stores, and gift stores.

Honorarium

It is customary and part of the etiquette for planning a funeral to thank the clergy for their assistance and to offer an honorarium if they are involved in the service.

• A thank-you note or card should be sent separately from the honorarium.
• It is considered inappropriate to ask the clergy what fee they “charge” for funerals. A typical honorarium is $150–300, considering the hours spent with the family and performing the service.
• A smaller amount is often given to the soloist, choir director, and/or the musician, especially if they are not close personal friends.

Memorial Gifts

See Donations.

Memorial Service (celebration of life)

A memorial service is similar to a funeral, but the body is not present. In the past, only the most formal and solemn funerals were appropriate; today, it is more common and acceptable to hold a “celebration of life” to remember your loved one.

If the deceased did not preplan, you will have many decisions to make; see Funeral.

• Generally, the tone and spirit of a memorial service are more informal and more joyful, in remembrance of a life well-lived and a person well-loved.
• As long as the dignity of the occasion and the respect for the deceased are maintained, you are almost unlimited in your choices regarding what will best honor your loved one’s memory.
• Many memorial services include open microphones for impromptu tributes, music that was meaningful to the deceased, digital or video presentations, a memory table, decorations, speeches or toasts, food and drinks, balloon or dove releases, and more.

Obituary Notices and Other Notifications

When a death occurs, notify family as quickly as possible, especially those who are out of town.

• Contrary to popular belief, airlines rarely offer concessions on tickets these days (“bereavement fares”), and the sooner you can decide on a date for the funeral and notify extended family, the less they may have to pay for transportation.
• An obituary notice is a public notification of a death that appears in a newspaper or online. Most newspapers today charge to publish an obituary.
• If you are working with a funeral home, the funeral director will help you report the death to the proper authorities and draft the obituary.
• Your responsibility will be to supply any desired photographs and information about your loved one’s life and accomplishments.
• The obituary is often the only way to notify the community about funeral or memorial plans, so be sure to include that information, as well as any instructions for donations to a favorite cause, such as “in lieu of flowers.”

If the deceased was a long-time resident of another town or city, it is appropriate and helpful to that community to place an obituary in their local newspaper.

Pallbearers

Pallbearers carry (or, if honorary, accompany) the casket during formal services. If the deceased didn’t select pallbearers in advance, you may choose six among the deceased’s close friends, business associates, or fellow church members. If you are unable to find pallbearers, the funeral home can provide them.

Be sure that the pallbearers you are selecting (unless honorary) can perform the task of lifting and carrying a casket with dignity and respect. You should thank each pallbearer after the funeral with a personal note or card.

Although it is uncommon for immediate family members to serve as pallbearers, this practice is more acceptable today. It’s best, however, to avoid selecting people who will need to be there to support another family member. For example, a grown son may need to sit with (and offer moral support to) his mother rather than serve as a pallbearer at his father’s funeral.

Photography

Decide in advance whether there’s a reason to allow photography or videotaping during the service; perhaps you have out-of-town family members who will want to take a remembrance.

It is generally considered inappropriate to photograph the open casket, but again, the bereaved may make this decision. If photography is allowed, it is best to keep it as discreet as possible, with no flashes going off during the service and no invasion of the privacy of the bereaved. You also need to be particularly aware of what may be going on in the background of your photos. You want to be careful not to intrude on the privacy of those attending the service.

Private or Public Service?

Will your loved one’s service be private or public? As the bereaved, you may make this decision taking into account the deceased’s wishes, their noteworthiness in the community, and the number of people who want to pay their respects. The obituary should include the notification regarding whether the services are public or private. It is acceptable to have both, e.g., a public memorial service and a private graveside ceremony.

Contributor: Jenny Mertes