Jennifer Lane
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It sounds to me like the order had the “direct” family first (your husband, mother in law and brother in law), followed by spouses. That’s a bit odd, especially since you were left at the end and your sister in law was sitting next to her husband. I can understand why this bugs you.
It’s not necessarily wrong, but I think a better arrangement would have been to have: 1) mother in law, your husband & you, your brother in law and his wife all in the same row, or 2) front row – mother in law, your husband, his brother, and in the row behind would be you and your brother’s wife. Personally, I think #1 is better when the family is close or the spouses (you and your brother’s wife have been in the family for a long time.)
I am assuming your husband was escorting his mother into the church, in which case I would have expected you to walk behind them and not be at the very end.
I’m not sure if the order was discussed and agreed on beforehand or if the funeral director led you in that order. However, agreeing on the family order before the funeral is definitely recommended so that there are no ill feelings after the fact.
The funeral home may ask for information needed on the death certificate (including the name of the doctor who will be signing it), but they do not need a signed death certificate to remove the body.
If you have any additional questions, I would suggest contacting your local Muslim community center or association.
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother in law. I know this is a difficult time for your family, and the costs involved with a funeral certainly make this a very stressful time.
Whoever in the family that was responsible for making the funeral arrangements should have had a meeting with the funeral director. This is the arrangement conference where a price list is given so the family knows exactly what the cost is for each item that is selected (services and merchandise, such as the casket).
The funeral director writes up a contract for the services and merchandise that the family selected during the arrangement conference. This is called a Goods and Services Contract. The family should have reviewed the contract – which would have clearly stated the contract total – prior to signing it, so there would be no surprises as to the total cost.
Your family had the right to select only the services and merchandise that were wanted or needed, the only exception being what is known as a “Basic Services of Funeral Director & Staff” fee. This is a fee that a family cannot decline for any reason.
I have a few resources to point to you to for more information about funeral contracts and consumer rights:
What you Need to Know about the Funeral Goods and Services Contract
Consumer Rights under the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule
https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0300-ftc-funeral-ruleSince your family signed the contract, I am not sure that there is much you can do at this point to reduce the contract total. However, you may be able to work out a payment arrangement.
Here are a few other resources for information about how to pay for a funeral:
Paying for a Funeral:
https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/paying/Using Crowdfunding to raise money for a funeral:
https://www.funeralwise.com/2016/06/18/using-crowdfunding-funerals-memorials/One other thing to consider is the financing solutions offered by LendingUSA
https://www.lendingusa.com/borrowers/funeral/I hope this information is helpful as you and your family navigate through this difficult time.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved aunt. This is quite hard to deal with under normal circumstances but your family has really had an extra burden with the delay in having her funeral.
I am very surprised that your uncle was not properly informed and prepared for how she would look. Four weeks is a long time after death and even the best efforts of a funeral director would not give her the same look as though she had been embalmed right after death.
I do understand how very distressing this was for your uncle, and I am sorry he wasn’t prepared for it. The funeral director should have absolutely cautioned him especially considering the circumstances that caused the delay in preparing her for burial. This is worth speaking to the manager at the funeral home to let that person know what happened and how it was very distressing to your family.
You can help your uncle now by helping him to focus on the beautiful life that your aunt lived. Allow him to grieve his loss at his own pace, and just be there for him. Look at pictures and talk about your good memories – that will help him to focus more on how she looked during life rather than how she looked after death.
The immediate family of the deceased take priority in planning the funeral (this is the surviving spouse and/or children of the deceased.)
However, it is certainly courteous to try to plan the celebration of life for a day that out of town family can attend. This usually involves choosing a day about a week later to give the family time to make travel arrangements and get there. I’m not sure how “out of town” the family is – be it across the state or across the country – and that will affect the time considerations for planning.
Also keep in mind what the deceased would have wanted – if it was important to them to have this family there for the celebration, then the adult child should absolutely try to accommodate that – within reason.
We’re sorry to hear about your dog. I wish there were something we could do to help, but unfortunately, that’s out of our area of expertise. We do have a suggestion, though. Some time ago, we did a story on our blog about a Pet Medium named Charles Peden. We have no idea whether his methods work, but we can say that many people read our article.
Funeral directors are still very much needed, and there is more to this profession than what Mr. Slocum commented on in our interview with him. While trends are certainly changing, the funeral industry has historically been slow to adopt change. So, while the future may see a robot or two, I personally doubt that will become the norm anytime soon.
Funerals are about loss and hurting people – who is better to help and comfort a family on the worst day of their lives? A compassionate person (funeral director) or a robot? I would certainly not feel comforted by a robot and I doubt most people today would either. You would absolutely be helping people.
It’s a tough job with crazy hours, as people don’t keep to business hours when the end of their life arrives. Funeral directors are often on call overnight and need to be available for weekends and holidays. It takes a special person that is willing to do this as a career.
Typically, the education required is a Bachelor of Science degree in Mortuary Science. I would check with the Funeral Directors Association in the state where you are, as their website will list the requirements. You can find those associations on online by searching for something like “funeral director requirements Minnesota.”
I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter, and I know this is a tough time for you and your family.
I don’t know the nature of the relationship between you, your current wife, and your ex-wife – but since the divorce was so long ago and your current marriage is also well established, I would say your wife should attend the funeral.
As for where she sits, if not next to you, then behind you. You are a grieving father and entitled to have your wife by your side, but then your ex-wife is also a grieving mother, and her feelings must be considered. If you know of any reason why she would be upset by having your wife next to you – then it is best to have her behind you.
Broken families can make for difficult funerals, but ultimately you and your ex-wife will need to decide what is the best way to honor your daughter with the seating at her funeral.
The fee for the 2nd Right of Interment is a standard charge because the purchase of the original grave space only has one interment right. (Which is just the right to inter 1 person.) So, this one is fine and it is not at all related to the fees for the burial.
As for the other two – there is typically just one fee for the burial. This is the actual labor charge of burying the cremated remains. I do not know why there is an “initial” AND a “final” – it’s generally just one charge. The burial involves opening the grave (digging the hole for cremated remains) and closing the grave (filling the hole in with dirt and either replacing the sod or planting grass seed.) The only thing I can think of is that they separated the charge for the “opening” (initial) from the “closing (final). That’s an odd thing to do in my experience as it is usually one charge for “opening & closing” (which is also known as interment).
I would ask the cemetery to explain why there are two fees for the actual burial.
It depends on your relationship with the decedent’s family – if your presence would upset your wife’s ex-husband’s family in any way, then you should not go. If you have a cordial relationship, then attending would be fine.
The rule of thumb to remember is that the funeral is about the deceased and that person’s family. Attendees are there to support the grieving family, not to be noticed or cause ill feelings. Your wife, I assume, is planning to attend so I am guessing there are no concerns with her attendance. The two of you should make this decision together, with respect to how the decedent’s family would react.
Hello-
I am so sorry that you are in the difficult period of seeing your father at the end of his life. That is so tough, but he certainly is a special man to be thinking of how he can continue to help his grandson after he is gone. You are very lucky to have such a wonderful man for a father.
To answer your question – there are a few options you can pursue. It is totally appropriate to request donations in lieu of flowers. The common mechanism these days is to setup a GoFundMe account, but there is no guarantee to people that the funds they contribute would be used for the grandson’s care.
Another option is go to your bank (or your dad’s bank) and talk to them about setting up a Memorial Bank Account for the purpose you have described. This would allow people to send donations directly to the bank, and perhaps give them assurance that the money would be used for the boy’s care. You and another trustworthy person would have signature authority on the account. You would do this now – before your dad passes, so that you can include the information (where to send the donation) in the obituary where you have “in lieu of flowers, please send……” and you can state exactly what your father wanted. This still isn’t a guarantee to people of how their money would be used, but it gives more of a trustworthy feel to it.
I hope this was helpful, and cherish every moment you have left with your father – there is nothing more valuable than that.
The funeral director does not make any particular arrangements without input from the family of the deceased. The funeral director’s role is to provide the kind of funeral the family wishes.
That being said, when it is time to arrange a funeral for someone who has died, there is a “responsible party” or “next of kin” that the funeral director meets with to plan all the arrangements including the flowers that may be ordered for the visitation and/or funeral.
If you are not the responsible party or the next of kin to the deceased, then it is up to the people who are (immediate family) to decide what kind of flowers are displayed.
Friends and family of the deceased can, of course, send any kind of floral tribute they wish, unless the family has specified they are requesting charitable donations in lieu of flowers.
Now, if you are pre-planning your own funeral, then you can certainly record that you want white flowers. That would be very helpful to your family to know what you had wanted.
It is generally not required to send thank you notes to close relatives of the deceased. (Although, there is nothing wrong with sending one anyway. If you do, just be sure to write a personal note in the card beyond “thank you for the flowers”.)
The only other consideration I would give is if the siblings were estranged in any way (or did not have a good relationship with the deceased). Then it would certainly be appropriate to send a thank you note.
The important thing to remember first and foremost is this: The immediate family of the deceased are the number one priority at a funeral. No one should do anything that will be upsetting to the grieving family, and this includes the attendance of someone they would be upset to see.
That being said – you will need to ultimately decide based on the relationships that the ex-wife and her husband have with the deceased 1st husband’s family. If the relationships are great, then the attendance likely would not upset anyone. Anything less than great or good, then I would say stay away.
I hope this was helpful to you but for additional tips on this, please see our article: Should You Attend the Funeral.
Generally speaking, it is beneficial for any business to support the local community through volunteering, lending support to community improvement initiatives, and being involved in any way that is beneficial to the local residents. This does include funeral homes.
I’m not sure exactly what you mean by a community outreach program, but a funeral home should strive to have a good reputation outside its doors – one where it is known by the people to be trustworthy. Most people have no interaction with a funeral home until there is a need and that can add to the discomfort of people needing their services or choosing another provider because they were not familiar with this funeral home.
To overcome this, many funeral homes choose to help enrich their towns in a variety of ways. Hosting a holiday remembrance service that is advertised and open to the public, sponsoring a food drive for the needy, volunteering at a soup kitchen, volunteering or sponsoring events at local schools. Any activity that gets the funeral home’s name out in a caring and helpful way will go a long ways in building goodwill and ensuring that the funeral home will be a trusted funeral provider when the need arises.
