Jennifer Lane
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Here is what I would recommend for this:
Print a document on note card size card stock. (You can get this at any office supply store, or you could take your document to the office supply store or a Fedex Kinko’s and have them print it for you on card stock.) You could also use perforated business card paper if your information will fit on it or 3×5 (index card) size perforated paper.
I would use text similar to this (nice font, centered):
In honor of the life of
Jane Doe
memorial donations can be made to
ABC Foundation
At this address:
1234 Street, Anywhere, USA 12345Or going to this website:
‘www.abcfoundation.com’Another suggestion would be to print enough cards that mourners could take one and not have to write down the information.
An image is not necessary as this card would likely be placed next to the Register book.
I hope that helps, but let us know if you have any additional questions.
You generally should send a thank you note to anyone who gave a gift or helped you during the funeral, but this is not necessarily everyone who signed the Memorial Book. When it comes to family, it is usually not necessary to send thank you notes unless the family member did something beyond what would be expected.
However, when in doubt, use your best judgment as to who you send a thank you to (as all families are different and some will expect a thank you.)
For additional tips, see our guidelines about who should get thank you notes here:
It seems that the US Flag is draped for firefighters who were also Veterans.
There is a very comprehensive guide put together by the National Volunteer Fire Council which says, “Traditionally, the casket is draped with an American flag for veterans and all uniformed personnel, but this is optional.”
For additional details, you can get get a copy this guide here:
Would it be possible for you to attend a visitation perhaps, if there is one prior to the funeral service? Or, is there anyone near you that is going that you could get a ride with? Another option would be to rent a car just for the day to get to the funeral.
Consider those, and if none are possible then sending an appropriate sympathy gift is fine. You may also want to call one of your cousins just to at least by voice, convey your condolences and explain your absence. That should head off any potential perceptions of disrespect if you anticipate this is how they would react. Every family is different, though, and it’s hard to assess if they would be upset with you so go with your instincts here.
Hello – You do not need to send a thank you note in every case. We have a great article that should help you determine who should get one in our Funeral Etiquette section:
Generally, you would attend the funeral. You have the history of the relationship from your marriage and assuming you maintained a relationship with your husband’s family since he passed, it certainly would be appropriate to attend.
As for if you are “still family” – that is entirely between you and his family. Usually, spouses are still considered part of the family for a period of time even following a death but this is different for everyone. I will assume that since you are questioning this it is because you are not sure of your place now, so I would plan to sit away from the family unless you are invited to sit with them.
Yes, you can print the charity information in the service program, but put it at the end or on the back page of the program. You can also offer a brief statement as to why those charities were important to the person who passed.
Normally, this information (about which charities are preferred) is first provided in the death notice or obituary that gets published but I see no reason why you couldn’t also include it in the program.
This is known as a “Placing of the Glove” part of the service. While not common in all public servant funeral protocols, it is a way for fellow officers to show respect and do a final salute to their fallen comrade.
Hello,
No, absolutely not – the funeral home has no authority to make such decisions for your family. This is entirely between your family and your priest. It sounds like this was a serious misunderstanding or mistake by the funeral home. I am very sorry this happened and I would recommend that you speak to the funeral home manager about it, along with your priest. If only, at this point, to ensure they understand the error.
Funeral homes and funeral directors get approached all the time from vendors, suppliers, and organizations looking to provide services or merchandise to the the families they serve in their community. I am not exactly sure of the nature of this tool you are looking to approach them with, so I can’t comment on whether it is something they would be interested in. I would, however, first recommend that you have a clear and concise presentation that you can leave behind or send via email.
There are several ways you can reach out them. You can start with where you live and walk in to the funeral homes in your community and ask to speak with the funeral director in charge or the general manager. Chances are, you won’t talk that person right then, but you could leave your materials and then follow up in a few days. Another way is to attend the state or national funeral conventions that take place every year and have a booth in the exhibit hall. I would start with the state funeral convention where you live and see what type of response you get from the attendees.
Hello,
First, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law as it sounds like you were close to her over many years.
Now, to answer your question – let me first say that you were in a very tough spot. Funerals and divorce are messy, but a funeral in the middle of a divorce is very messy and complicated. You are still married until the divorce is final and if we just look at that, then your husband’s new girlfriend had no right to bump you from attendance, and she should have deferred to you on attending the mass if she objected to both of you being there. I totally understand why you feel like you’ve been slapped in the face.
But let’s look at this just through the lens of honoring the deceased and supporting the immediate family. Funerals are about celebrating the life of the person who has died, and showing the surviving family that you care and are supporting them. When it comes to funerals and divorces, we have to reduce the complicated nature of this messy situation to one simple question: When considering whether you (as the soon to be “out-law”) should attend the funeral or not is to ask yourself if your presence would be helpful or a hindrance to the grieving family? (As it stands, you are part of this family still, so don’t discount your own grief.)
It’s complicated. If none of the other family would be upset by you attending, I think you could have attended the mass, although probably not wise to sit in the same pew with your husband but that doesn’t mean sitting in the back either. You never want to call attention to yourself in a negative way in these situations (because, remember, it’s not about us – the focus is on honoring the life of the deceased.)
So, you could have attended, but your question is should you have attended?
Only you can really answer that, but I would offer this as a guide: If you had attended the funeral mass, would you have been able to focus solely on celebrating the life of your mother-in-law? I’m guessing no, since your husband set the stage for drama – inappropriate for a funeral – by telling you that his new girlfriend (who never met his mother) would be upset by you being there. That’s his bad, but don’t beat yourself up over your ultimate decision to not attend. You were in tough spot and likely did the right thing by your mother-in-law and the rest of her family to avoid any potential drama at the mass.
Cherish that time you had with her just before she died. That is a true gift to you and her both and I am sure that meant very much to her. Do what you can to help the family through their grief, while working through your own grief too.
Thank you gifts are not required for family and friends who prepare a funeral luncheon. A hand-written thank you card, however, is proper. The only exception is if the luncheon was a hired event or put together by people who did not know the deceased and then the only obligation is to pay the cost of the luncheon to the person or caterer that was hired.
People who offer to help with a funeral luncheon generally view this as a way to honor the deceased and help the immediate family during a difficult time. It’s a kind and caring gesture that really should only be acknowledged with a thank you note.
You ask a great question because it is so important for people to really consider how a life should be celebrated. The challenge usually, is lack of time to plan and present a truly personal celebration if preparations are not made well in advance.
Since a funeral typically occurs within an average of 3-4 days of death, families largely choose from services immediately available to them by the funeral home. I am guessing most do not offer any special arrangement of popular music other than what they have available in their musical selections or what the family will bring in for them to play.
However, I like the idea of classical and/or jazz arrangements for funeral music and I think that, if available, families would welcome this. I would point you to researching this through funeral celebrants and you can contact the Celebrant Institute to see about speaking with one and get their thoughts on pricing. Funeral celebrants are highly personalized ceremony professionals and you may even be able to offer this music through them.
Hello,
I am very sorry for the loss of the mother-in-law you clearly cherished and loved. I know this is a difficult time for you and your husband.
I see no reason why you could not have a memorial or committal service with a priest to give your family and her friends the chance to honor her life and say goodbye. In fact, this is the right thing to do. I also see no reason why you could not purchase an urn for her. Your husband’s brother can certainly choose not to participate, and it sounds like you have no expectations of him to be involved with either the service or with helping pay for the urn.
I would hope this does not cause a rift between your husband and his brother, but I know family can be challenging certainly when there is the death of a parent. I think you should let him know once you have made plans so as to give him the opportunity to attend, but otherwise leave it at that.
No reasonable person should object to a person who was religious (as it sounds like your mother-in-law clearly was) having a priest say final and comforting words over her life. She deserves that.
We wish you the best in the days ahead as you work through this and grieve the loss of a lovely woman you were very close to.
